Itsy Bitsy


The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout

If there’s one thing I couldn’t stand about the world ending, it was all the damn spiders.

Alicia was the first to notice em’. She said, “Boy, there’s a spider here for every damn hair on your ass, and if you’d been born a day later, you’da been born a dog.” She was good with her guns, better than most women. Not so sure I’ll miss her mouth, though.

The hospital was the perfect idea. All the necessities and some of the comforts of home. Freeze-dried mystery meat goes down a helluva lot better with a vike or a perc. Ask anyone with a gun. They’ll tell you better than some poor sick or injured fuck. Can’t be wasting perfectly good meds on them. To the survivors go the spoils and the skittles.

Down came the rain and washed the spider out

I saw one there. Just now. I know I did. It’ll come back, if I just wait for it. It has to.

The fucking things were just everywhere, you know? I’d seen em’ in the corners of damn near every room we scoped out. I fucking hate spiders. Shit, who doesn’t? Horrible fucking things, without a shred of resemblance to humanity. Just ugly and unnatural, no reason to exist. Yet another of God’s screwups. I couldn’t suffer the little fucks when I woke up with the bites and started clawing away at my own skin. The fuckers seemed to like the taste of me best, Alica says. I said she should try it some time. She said no thank you, sir, and fuck it, her loss.

I found the insecticide in a broom closet the second night. Knew there had to be more. Stormed the whole first floor and gathered it up. Made it a personal goddamn vendetta and why the fuck not? Ain’t no cable TV at the end of the world, boy. Killing spiders is the new Xbox.

I know it’s there. It’ll come back they all will they have to

The stiffs knew the hospital was the place to be too. Sure seemed like it anyway. They swarmed around the place. Didn’t really make sense. We figured they showed up for the easy targets and never left after the buffett shut down. Why else would they be crawling all over it? It was a beehive and the rest of the city was the flowerbeds. We got lucky when we snuck in, we thought. Stroke of Einstein-level genius, finding that hospital. Some other folks thought the same thing.

Chris and Tony were goddamn heroes when they first rolled up. Dumb as a bag of rocks one of em’, the other one dumber, and who the fuck knows who was who any given day of the week, not that anyone knew if it was Tuesday or Sunday by then. Stopped keeping track ages ago. Nah, they was too stupid to feed themselves, let alone carry more than a few guns, but they’d cornered the damn market on ammo. Hauled along a makeshift sled full of the shit, all tore up palettes and ropes and something that looked like a shitty old mattress. Can’t knock points off em’ for improv. They were looking for food and shelter and anything else they were too retarded to scrape together for themselves. Fair trade, and our best stroke of luck up to that point. Even better luck when they got their paws into the hospital drug supply and started throwing em’ back like drowning men gulping down air. I seen em’ slumped and drooling and knew they wouldn’t be breathing much longer. Good riddance and thanks for the bullets.

Out came the sun and dried up all the rain

Itsy bitsy itsy bitsy oh god where is it where it has to come back please oh please

Shooting and screaming and more fucking shooting and who the fuck let Tony near the doors while he was tripping balls is something I will never know but I’d skin the fucker alive and bathe in his blood in front of his mother if I could. Can’t hole up here now, got to run for it, too damn many of them.

I didn’t need to know about the goddamn spiders I didn’t need to know about the goddamn spiders

With the doors blown to shit and the dying turning into undead by the second, holing up ain’t remotely an option. The map by the stairwell shows a lab in the center of the property, fortified by outer rooms, damn easy to protect compared to the galley, just gotta make it need to keep moving.

The goddamn lab.

Vats, everywhere. Webs. Fucking cobwebs, everywhere on every damn thing, can barely walk in here it’s so full of sticky white shit. The lab is where all the spiders came from. But they’re gone. All of them. They got out, and now they’re all gone. I sprayed everywhere, with everything I could find, Bug-B-Gone and Spider-Cide and Raid and gallons of the shit and I HAD TO ’cause I itched and itched and I still fucking itch everywhere

Itsy bitsy itsy bitsy

Alica is screaming now. Something about the cause being the cure and how it’s all right there, on the paperwork in the lab. We even have doctors in our group and a science egghead who can make sense out of it all, how the lab fucks tried to make the spiders stronger and keep on living no matter what. Take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’ and keep on truckin’, they even tried to make them come back.

But they didn’t come back.

They won’t come back. Not like we do.

The itching’s stopped. Everything’s stopped. It feels so much better, not feeling anything. Alica is screaming again, this time at me, and she’s so far away. I’m going to sleep now. The others are all asleep now too.

I hope we all wake up together.